Here is something that I think I finally feel comfortable enough to reveal to the readers after working on this endeavor for enough time.

There apparently is system in our head which I learned about years ago from my study of personal development and interpersonal relationships. It is called the Reticular Activating System (R.A.S.) . From the Wikipedia article on it…

“The reticular activating system (RAS), or extrathalamic control modulatory system, is a set of connected nuclei in the brains of vertebrates that is responsible for regulating arousal and sleep-wake transitions. As its name implies, its most influential component is the reticular formation.”

Many areas of study like therapy and NLP practice borrow and speak about this connection of brain parts in their work. I personally define the concept as what a person chooses to focus on, it will become what they will notice and only notice in the world or surrroundings around them when they are focusing on it.

Defined in another way…“RAS is what filters out information you don’t need and focuses in on what you DO — so that you’re able to tune into the things that are both most valuable and most threatening to you, and keep yourself alive.” (source)

Here is my hidden never spoken of height obsession secret:

I am always, constantly, never stopping comparing myself in height to every single person I see that I walk by everyday. As I walk down the street I actually have my RAS turned on to only or mainly notice the height of the people who walk past me at every single second. It is really strange but I really don’t seem to notice anything else, not facial attractiveness, nor deformity or disfigurement, not clothing styles. For example, when I am walking with my guy friends and they notice an attractive girl, they will notice that and ask me whether I also saw her but I would never see that. I am focusing on the height of people. I always am comparing myself to others. I wish I can stop but I can’t.

When I see some girl or guy who is abnormally tall, I have to turn around everytime just to first make as good of a guess as I can on how tall they are and also check that they really are as tall as they appear to be from a first glance, since they could be wearing high heels or thick heeled boots. For the tall men, I admire them and secretly feel jealous and envious of them. For the tall women, I wonder whether they would be willing to date people shorter than them and whether they only have tall children.

I think the worst example is what happened to me about 2 months ago while I was going down on an escalator in the Subway of the city I currently live in, Seoul.

I saw my old girlfriend with her new bf on an escalator. She was the same girl who left me, and started dating this guy on the exact same day. Immediately I tried to guess how tall he was. She is around the 5′ 5″ mark and when they were facing each other, his eye level was around where the top of her head was. Since I know that for most people, the height difference between their eye level and the top of their head was around the 4-5 inch mark. Plus, he was also standing one step below the escalator to her. Most escalator steps are around the 7-8 inch thickness mark. If we add those difference up that means that he is most likely a complete feet, 12 inches taller than her. That makes him around the 6′ 5″ height mark, maybe even 6′ 6″. I am finally going to admit that I am currently living in the country of South Korea, in the capital Seoul, in the area of Gangnam, which Psy made famous with his YouTube sensation song. My ex is Korean and her new korean bf is at least 6 inches taller than me. If he is then he is insanely tall in the country since the average height of South Korean males is around 5′ 9″. He is at least 3 standard deviations away from the average. She didn’t see me but I recognized her.

I’m around the 5′ 11″-6’0″ mark which makes me not really short but quite average, but when I saw how much taller he was to her, I immediately felt an extremely painful sinking negative feeling inside of me. It’s really strange. Of all the things a person can change about themself, their height may be the last thing they just can’t change or do anything about, at least without some extremely drastic actions.

Main Theme: I can’t stop noticing the height of other people and I can’t stop comparing myself to them in height. This is my never spoken obsession, which I can’t stop. It seems that my sense of worth is somehow connected to my height, and when I see people taller than me, I get upset and jealous.

Note: If you don’t want to read about my past and my personal life, read no further and ignore the story below. I am again trying to exorcise the demons inside of me.

A Personal Confession – It has nothing to do with height, but only what I feel are my deepest insecurities.

I am finally going to admit that I feel always tormented by the fact that this girl who left me and who I still love at some deep level has found a guy who seems to be an upgrade on every level. He went to one of the best Universities in the country, in the same school she came from. He has a better job in a Fortune 100 company. He wants to eventually go get his MBA and work for Mckinsey which means that if he does succeed he will be making probably around the $2-3 million per year mark within 10-15 years. His office is located in one of the biggest, tallest, most impressive building in the entire country of South Korea. Hell, it can be argued that he is better looking than me. I am finally revealing to everyone who reads this that in the last year, my deepest insecurities and fears have been realized.

• She decided to go through with an abortion which I never wanted. I wanted the baby but I was scared I would loss her is I rejected the abortion so I said yes.
• We were separated due to school reasons for an extended amount of time and she started to spend so much time out with her friends who she never told me about.
• She became distant and started to get upset at me more trying to incite me to get angry.
• She left me over the iPad I bought and gave her as a gift. I spend over a week to ship to her but I did it out of love and wanting to get her something nice.
• Apparently the day that she left me, she started dating this guy she was already meeting but “only as a friend.” whom she never told me about.
• She says she is sorry but she also says that she is not a nice person.

I broke down completely, felt suicidal, and had nightmares for months afterwards over what happened. I tried to convince her otherwise by going to her home but she seemed so cold and indifferent. Last night I had a nightmare of her and “him” and it was one of the most vivid of her in a very long time. It has been almost 1 entire year (we were together for a little over 1 year) but I still don’t know what to do. I’ve been to the therapists, multiple actually. My family has been harsh in criticizing my bad choice in romantic partners. My friends have been extremely supportive and wanted me to meet other girls. I did that and met someone else rather easily, and dated her but I could not stop feeling insanely horrible inside so I had to end that relationship. Today I am dating another girl, and this new girl is so nice, so sweet, so generous and hard working, but how can I tell her that I am still in so much pain from someone else.

• I’ve been fired from many jobs before.
• I’ve had family members die before.
• I’ve failed school and entire grades.
• I’ve had multiple people hate me.
• I’ve lost a lot of money from people who deceived me.

At some deep level, I don’t see how anything worse could have happened to me. I think the loss of neve having my child is something which I will never be able to get over