When I was writing the previous post confessing that I still am wearing shoes, boots specifically, with multiple insoles inside to make myself feel and look taller, I started to really stop and think about why I am still doing these things.

I had stated before that I was relatively comfortable and accepting of my height before on the site, so why do my actions not reflect that? Maybe the right way of expressing this issue is that I am not as obsessed or extreme in my height increase desire like I was years before. Back then, during a 4-6 month stretch of time, I only wanted to achieve one thing, and that was to grow taller, or at least get to the 6′ 0″ mark, which was only 1/4th of an inch away. Through intense exercise I did reach that goal,

However, I still am searching for such a solution, and willing to dedicate many years of my life to this cause, even if it turns out that there is nothing I can do that would work.

I think back in my life and wonder whether my obsession with height is not the cause, but an effect of something else, a deeper and more painful insecurity or anxiety which I am not willing to admit to myself at this point in my life and development. I know that for me, I never cared about becoming taller until I was in my early 20s, around the age of 22 to be exact. It started out small when I noticed that I was shorter than most of the other men in my swimming class. It slowly over time grew into a full blown obsession with me trying to read everything and research everything I could find.

I have studied some basic psychology and I know that if I was to be my own therapist and try to diagnose myself, I can objectively claim that I have an unhealthy focus or obsession over an area of my life which can’t really be changed. Then again, that is the opinion of a 40 year old medical school trained professional who is rich, successful, stable, and has a bright future.

I wrote in a previous post opening up further about my past, and the pain I felt. I had stated that because of me getting left by the my first love, I would go through several intense tramatic psychopathological breakdowns. Along with the seperation were two other even darker aspects of the breakup which really drove me even crazier than if this was an ordinary breakup/dumping. I have heard many, many stories of men/husbands going crazy and lossing their sanity after their grilfriends/wives suddenly leave them after being with them for many years.  I would feel extreme anger, depression, regret, fear, etc. and in the end, I had decided that I had to do everything that I had ever been secretly desiring to do. One of my goals was always to create this type of resource for everyone else in the world. I would go on to tell a friend who is on the short side that I wanted to dedicate my life to researching and finding to this problem. He was very supportive and happy that someone like me would be willing to put in the effort to do this since he also wanted to be taller. This is my first and only guess, my renewed fervor over height increase is my way of overcompensating for the fact that I am depressed and angry that “love” was taken away from me. At some area in my mind I think that I am a bad person or a person who never deserved to get the type of love I (and almost everyone else) so desperately crave. 

An amazing insight Anthony Robbins said once was that there is two very fundamental fears we have which we would do almost anything to avoid, displace, or repress. They are…

• We are afraid that we would not be loved or accepted by other people – We are afraid that love will be taken away from us. We are afraid of getting rejected, getting hurt, or not being loved back.

• We are afraid that we are not enough – That we are not good enough, good looking enough, smart enough to have the type of love, success, money that one part of us really desire and the other side is trying to resist and reject. We are being torn up inside over conflicting desires and emotional forces.

The problem seems to be more than just me. At home, my family members and relatives are still comparing height with each other, even though everyone has stopped growing. For my entire family, height has always been a sensitive issue, which I has wrote about in previous posts. From what I can see, all of this comparing to others to see who is taller, smarter, better, etc. is a way to make ourselves have a valid or real reason to love ourselves. I don’t think that I can really completely love myself.

If I was asked by another person “Do you love yourself?” I would have to say no. I am not who I wanted to be, not who I hoped I would already be. I feel like I am lacking in soooooo many areas of life.

When I was going through a phase in my life years ago where I was learning about the dynamics of male-female relationships, there was one question that was posed to see whether a person was truly ready to be in a relationship after being so shy and afraid. It it “If you are a girl/boy, would you date yourself?”. At this point, I would say “no”. I don’t really love myself. I feel like I am not good enough, or deserve to gain the success or wealthy I do have. There is an amazing amount of guilt I carry and i am not sure why I can’t seem to let that feeling of guilt go.

So my basic question that I was asking myself since yesterday was this “What really caused this obsession to surface? What was the initial trigger that started this entire process?”

The more I think about it the less it makes sense from an objective point of view. I am average height of a US male, maybe even slightly taller. Some people in my family even say that I am “tall” which is a label that I have ben extremely careful never to use to describe myself. This problem with feeling insecure about my height never bothered me when I was younger, and I was comfortable with being average height. What happened? What caused all of this?

Why do I every day when I walk along the street have to be constantly comparing myself to other people in height, and nothing else. It doesn’t matter that if they were dressed in suits and I was dressed in sweats, if I was taller than them I felt good about myself, and if I was shorter than them, I felt bad about my self. Can a person’s self of confidence or self be so much linked to one’s size? Is there no other barometer I can use to measure my worth or value as a human being?

At this point, I realize that I am not perceptive and aware enough about myself to be able to answer this question on what really caused this thing to develop. I do think now that my constant over-emphasize on size and height is most definitely either a distraction or expression of a repressed anxiety or insecurity. I think that ultimately, if I dug deep enough inside of me, the real core of all of my insecurities, the cause for my insecurity of my height, is from something else.

The most common stated answer is that I am acting out of fear. I am afraid of something and my way of dealing with this internal anxiety is to try to control something else, displacement, and not ever being able to be honest with my subconscious mind and deal with what is really giving me internal pain.

When I try to answer this question of the post “Can Our Desire For Height Or Height Dissatisfaction Be A Symptom Of A Deeper Insecurity Or Unresolved Issue From Our Past?” I think that this issue is something that is from my past which is from something deeper, and I can only make a guess but I still don’t know what would be the real original cause for this issue.